Fact is different from Perception.....

'Hello?' 'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with UnclePaul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.' Brief Pause. 'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs andknock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled intothe driveway.'

'Okay Daddy, just a minute.' A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it Daddy.' 'And what happened honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with noclothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on thedresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the waterlast week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?'

SORRY, WRONG NUMBER.............................................

Announcement of a new device....sounds pretty useful...

Announcing the New Device - Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge , Otherwise Known as the BOOK!
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere--even sitting in an armchair by the fire--yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM or more.
Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable) , each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.
Each sheet is scanned optically through your eyes, registering the information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The book may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward and backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session--even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, an many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus...

osho humour - the world changeth....

perspectives change with time....once upon a time people used to hide their playboy magazines within annual reports or the bible...today it is the other way round..people hide their bibles inside their playboys!!!!!!!!!
-inspirations from Osho

from my inbox

1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)
2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)
3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)
4. Can you cry under water? (let me try)
5. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (I think they meant something else)
6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)
7. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)
8. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)
9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay up and watch)
10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)
11. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)

from my inbox...seeing is not believing...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting
it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

digital commandments...

"Excuse me, sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, sir."

"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten things you sent me?"

"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important, Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that."

"What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, sir. I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did."

"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions, or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think that is spamming, Moses."

"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what he did say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"

"They're called viruses, Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them."

"We'll do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid you would say that, sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"

illusion...

When they came to tell a man that his house had been carried away by the flood, he laughed and said, "impossible! I have the key to the house right here in my pocket!"

- anthony de mello

neurosis..

Little Mary was on the beach with her mom.

"mummy, may I play in the sand?"

"No, Darling. You'll only soil your clean clothes."

"May I wade in the water?"

"No, you'll get wet and catch a cold."

"May I play with the other children?"

"No, you'll get lost in the crowd."

"Mummy, buy me an icecream."

"No, it's bad for your throat."

Little Mary began to cry.

Mother turned around to a woman who was standing nearby and said, "For heaven's sake! Have you ever seen such a neurotic child?"

let go...

This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped, then grabbed at a branch and was hanging there. After an hour or so had passed he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me, please, help me."
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused and looked up at heaven once more, then said: "Is there anyone else up there?"

a laugh...

Did you hear about the yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth. When the dentist asked him if he wanted novocaine, the yogi said "No. I can transcend dental medication."

from my inbox...hilarious!!!!

Check the status of india in 2056 due to some internal issues Ahmedabad, 30 April 2056:

I attended the bash at the IIM-OBC Alumni Association to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of the reservation of seats for OBCs (Other Backward Castes) in IIMs. Since I'm not an OBC, I was not supposed to attend, but at present, we MBFCs (Moderately Backward Forward Castes) together with the Non-Scheduled Tribes have a political alliance with the OBCs. We sipped champagne and talked about how so many of us had progressed from reserved seats in the IIMs to reserved jobs to reserved promotions. Unfortunately, the party broke up when a Non-scheduled Tribes faculty member objected to the OBCs dancing with all the pretty girls - he wanted equal opportunities for every caste at each dance. I pointed out that the Non-scheduled Tribes had exceeded the quota of champagne reserved for them. The party ended in a pitched caste battle.

1) May 2056:Today, I became president of the IIM Board of Directors. Under the present rotating presidency system, a member of each caste is made the president by turn. When it was the turn of the MBFCs for president, they had to choose me because I'm the only MBFC on the campus. True, I'm only the campus dhobi, but then every caste must be given an equal opportunity. All those centuries of oppression by the OSBFCs (Only Slightly Backward Forward Castes) and the OFCs (Other Forward Castes) must be rectified. I hope to restore the high standards at IIM - I overheard some foreigners calling it the Indian Institute of Morons, the other day.

2) May 2056:They've announced the cricket team for the series against Australia. I was overjoyed when they chose an MBFC man as captain. But my hopes were dashed when I realised he was a Most Backward Forward Caste and not a Moderately Backward Forward Caste. The selection committee lamented that it was gross discrimination that no member from the Jarowa tribe (the Stone Age tribe in theAndamans) had ever found a place in the Indian cricket team. A squad has since been dispatched to the Andamans to capture a Jarowa tribal to play in the national team. I hope he will improve their performance - they had an innings defeat against the Maldives recently. I would have played myself except for the fact that I lost a leg some years ago when I was in hospital with a toothache and a doctor recruited through the Unscheduled Caste quota extracted my leg instead of my tooth.

3) May 2056:There are too many NFCs (Neo-Forward castes) in the IT business. Under the terms of the Business Reservation Act, their firms will now be taken over by the other castes. I hope they will be able to restore the Indian IT industry back to its former glory. For some unfathomable reason, it has gone down the drain after job reservations were implemented. I went for a movie featuring star actor Mungeri Ram. He may lack teeth, be four-feet-three and have hair growing out of his nose, but this year it's the turn of the EBC-RYs (Extremely Backward Caste-Rural Yokels) to be stars and Mungeri Ram is the best of the lot. I wonder why foreign movies have become so popular.

4) May 2056:A truly great day. We now have an OFBMBC (Other Forward But Moderately Backward Caste) general as the Head of the Armed Forces. I hope he'll be able to win back the territory we lost ever since reservations were implemented in the Army. Since then, the north has been taken by Pakistan, the North-east by China, the east by Bangladesh and the south by Sri Lanka and the Maldives. Only last winter, we lost the war against Bhutan and free India is now limited to the western coastal states. But I'm sure the OFBMBC general will turn the tide.

5) May 2056:My wife and I have been blessed with a bonny daughter. Since my wife's an SBBNSBC (Slightly Backward But Not So Backward Caste), my daughter will be an MBFC-SBBNSBC. I must lobby for reservation for her caste. She's the only member and I'm sure she has a great future. I really dont know where will this quota system will take us!!!

from my inbox.....a repost

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and 80's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint, which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent clackers' on our wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same.
We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We could leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.
We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms.
We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned to deal with it all. And you're one of them. Congratulations!

tough life!!!!!

"Life is hard. It's breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time."

humour in everyday life....

i called up a public utility service.The voice told me that I had got through to the wrong number and I was to call xxxx.

I called up the number she gave me. The same voice answered. I verified it was her. She told me that she was doing both the jobs that day!!!!!

Ramayana - the US version...

Laughed my guts out at this article I received on e-mail..…

A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...

"So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know... so that they could all chill out together. But dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man... they had monkeys and devils and shit like that.

But this dude, Ram, kicked ass with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... And you don't piss this son-of-a-gun cuz, he just kicks ass and like... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks... Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding..., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know.

And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

jokes etc...

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, "They will, in a minute."

have u heard of the dyslexic cow who attained nirvana....

it was constantly muttering..Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Teacher: why should you remain quite at the Church, Sabrina?

Sabrina: shhhhhhh.......because everyone is asleep.....

a zen monk's favourite pick-up line: can we share some moments of oneness, honey?

What did the zen monk say at the pizza parlour?

Make me one with everything.....

the zen monk asks the waiter for the change after paying off his bill.

The waiter nonchalantly replies, "with due respect , sir, I cannot give you change,,Change has to happen from within......"

Have you heard of the cow who attained liberation (Moksha)?It was dyslexic and kept on repeating OOOOMMM !

on this dussehra, wonder what ravan ( the 10-headed one) used to do with his headaches, if he had any ! ! i miss attn to such detail in mythology..daily truths....like whether krishna used to shave and if he did, with what? were the kauravas a test-tube or rather earthen-pot baby experiment gone awry!!!!

repeat an old fav for those of u who might have not read it....

all science is poetry.....can u imagine a world without the technologies of today.... where do they emerge....Mathematics and calculus and its various implementations are critical in the development of various technologies....and mathematics has its roots in "zero" an empirical definition arrived at by the indian spiritual mystic , Aryabhata.The first two postulates of mathematics are never under question; they are sacrosant....They just have been there eternally....mysticism is poetic ; to me The Beatles were mystics , as was Kabir.But so too was Einstein......science is an art , too....mystical, poetic......

All of us know of Kekule and his mystical dream ( the inter-twined snakes) which led to the discovery of organic chemistry . A very fascinating alter-insight into processes of "intelligence" and its expresses is provided by the book, "The Man Who knew Infinity" , a biography of the mathematical genius, Srinivas Ramanujam.

Happy Dussehra!!!!!!!!!and wishes for the awakening of intelligence as different from knowledge all around...

Spiritual Jokes


What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."

When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."

Jokes etc...

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter,Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,right up to the end of the prayer:"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."

"What did the zen monk ask his beloved? .....Shall i enter your emptiness or let you enter into mine...Can we unite in Oneness?"